- "I will now take my leave. I live here so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore."
- ―Grand Midwife[source]
The Grand Midwife (also known as the Grand Priestess, Grand Lunch Lady, Grand Funeral Director, Grand Parking Validator, and Grand Butterfly Curator) is a Amphibiosan alien of light green color from the planеt Amphibios 9 who carried out Kif's birthing ceremony. She has learned it by rote and refuses to change it when Amy is missing.
She presides over Kif and Amy's Fon-Fon Rubok, offering them a live snake to eat raw as part of the ceremony-if they so chose. In her capacity as Grand Butterfly Curator, she refuses to give Kif and the Planet Express crew any specific warning about the dangers the male butterfly may present because she could be held liable if something else happened, but she didn't "...give a grand crap..." about Amy and Leela's efforts to obtain Ocephalus Nectar.