- "What to do, what to do? One $300 hookerbot or 300 $1 hookerbots?"
After a victory against the Spiderians on Turantulon 6, Zapp Brannigan brings back to Earth a huge stockpile of silks and other riches. Nixon decides to give everyone on Earth a $300 tax rebate in the form of a "Tricky-Dick Fun Bill." With the money, everyone goes off and has their own adventure. Amy comments that with $300 you could only buy about 100 cups of coffee, so Fry decides to do just that. Leela decides to swim with Mushu, a whale at a theme park, as well as in the process rescues one of Lt. Kif's gift for Amy, a watch that tells the time wherever they both are, which was accidentally swallowed by the whale. Kif also rents a paddle-plane for his date with Amy. Amy, however, spends her entire rebate on a talking devil tattoo.
Professor Farnsworth spends his rebate on stem cells from Geneworks SKG, which he uses to make himself look younger and date a young woman, who had used her rebate to make herself look skinny. When the stem cells wear off, the teenager reveals her secret by pulling her plug, a belly ring, as well as suddenly becoming fat. The two lovers decide that they still love each other and continue making out.
Bender goes to Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables looking for a high-class cigar, but ends up finding one that costs ten thousand dollars, because it was rolled in the United States Constitution by Queen Elizabeth in her "wild years." He cannot afford it, but instead, buys some burglar's equipment and steals it. He is pursued by Smitty and URL.
Hermes Conrad buys his son, Dwight, a pair of Bamboo Boogie-Boots. The shoes have bamboo poles that extend from them, lifting the wearer into the air. However, Dwight had no intention of having fun and only wanted the money for investments. Hermes tries on the boots but is unable to control himself, forcing Dwight to climb on top of him.
Fry continues his coffee binge, overdosing more and more on caffeine and becoming increasingly short tempered, twitchy and addicted to his drink.
Before swimming with Mushu, Leela stuffs her swimsuit with rotten fish. Mushu, as planned, eats all the rotten fish, but also eats her swimsuit, leaving Leela naked in the pool. Mushu then vomits up all over the audience and Kif finds the watch he had bought for Amy, only to have it broken by the police as he's arrested for stealing the whale puke he's covered in.
Zoidberg tries to find something good to spend the rebate on, but can't find the right thing to spend it on. Eventually, after his efforts to buy art was mocked by Mom, Zoidberg finds happiness buying turkey dogs for his friends and some hobos.
The Planet Express Crew is invited to a gala hosted by Nixon's head. The riches from the conquest of Tarantulon 6 are on display, but are ruined when Hermes crashes through the window, causing Bender's cigar to fly into the tapestry, setting it on fire. Even worse, the fire door is on fire. Luckily, Fry who by this point is badly trembling and unable to say anything but coffee manages to drink his hundredth cup of coffee and enters a calming hyper-speed state, regaining control of himself and enabling him to rescue everyone and put out the fire.
Outside, everyone is confused and Leela believes they were saved by "a mysterious orange blur". They all decide to join Zoidberg and several hobos for turkey dogs and Smitty and URL burst in and arrest Bender.
- At a movie theater, a newsreel depicts a military battle between Zapp Brannigan's troops and the inhabitants of Tarantulon 6.
- Brannigan runs over Kif with a hover-jeep.
- Amy hurts herself when she slaps her talking tattoo in the face.
- Carl is hit in the head by a ring thrown by Zoidberg.
- A robot flings itself to the ground to avoid being hit by Kif and Amy on their sky-cycle.
- Farnsworth is struck in the head by a golf ball shot by Zoidberg.
- Bender blows cigar smoke in several faces.
- The police finally catch up to Bender and beat him.
- Farnsworth disguises himself with stem cells as a hot, young man.
- The hot, young woman with whom Farnsworth becomes involved is also in disguise, having also spent her tax money on a "crazy treatment".
- Although not mentioned in either the story or the DVD commentary, there is precedence for battling space spiders: Lucian of Samosata's nearly 2000 year old True History.